mama's melodrama

It's not that I hate Christmas...

2011-12-16T14:43:00.000-06:00

It's not that I hate Christmas, but I Hate what it has become for adults. I remember my mother trying to make this perfect holiday every year.  I remember mom not letting people help put up the tree because she wanted it just so and when we did help, her fussing about it until we would just leave her to it. I remember mom sitting up late trying to get cards out to everyone, even people she did not like. I remember getting so much stuff that we would just leave alot of it under the tree in boxes until forced to put it in our rooms because the tree was coming down.
i am relizing as a mom, christmas is kinda stupid. It's just this big commercial holiday when we try to out buy all our relatives. Its a time when I see toys I want to play with, but cannot figure out how to pull more space out of our already over stuffed home. I also relized that i just can't win in a parking lot. If that other woman is willing to run into me to get her kid toys, she can have them. I just want to buy groceries! Don't get me started on cards.  I just don't see a point to them.  I don't feel special about recieving them.  I just happen to still be on your address book. The hand cramps I get from having to write out addresses is just not worth it. Sorry if you wanted to get a card,  I get way more warm and fuzzy from recieving a text. It's cheaper than a stamp, even with a picture.
I can't stand people making me feel like i am a grinch because I don't want to go to a party or get together. Its all just exhausting to me. the one thing i liked about the holidays was that we were a nuclear family and we stayed home and spent time with each other.  I am a home body. Really.
I am not religious, but the holiday we celebrate does not resemble anything like what it should. i am tired of the shopping orgies. Don't get me wrong I love a good shopping spree (I have never been to an orgy), but a mass of writhing bodies is offensive when encounted at a toystore. The whole Santa thing annoys me.  I can barely remember to take them for pictures with him. My kids will be the first to be over it. Hopefully it does not end up hurting them because I just can't pull it off.
What I am saying is this, I know I can't keep up with the super moms out there, and I am not going to run myself haggard trying to do things I don't enjoy.  I am going to try to get the few things I like in more:
Driving around with the family looking at christmas lights.
Making hot cocoa for the kids when treb gets home from school.
Getting the kids just a few really nice gifts they will enjoy and not having buyer's remorse later.
Cuddles when the house gets cold and little people want me to keep them warm.
These are some of the most spiritual things I have experienced as a mom.

2011-08-30T12:50:00.000-05:00

Sometimes

Sometimes things are good and sometimes they are bad. That's okay; life would be boring if things always went our way.

Sometimes things are hard and we have to try really hard. That's ok; we would never know how great we can be if we only did what was easy.

Sometimes people are not as perfect as we want them to be. That’s okay; it's our divergence from the norm that makes each person unique.

Sometimes we fail in spectacular fashion. That's okay; it teaches us how to know our limits.

Sometimes other people fail us. That's okay; it teaches us that sometimes our expectations are unattainable.

Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. That's okay; there are things we just have to do because they need doing.

Sometimes things go really, really good. That's ok too; it teaches us to persevere.

My favorite iPhone Apps Screen Time - Media Time Management

2011-04-15T07:05:00.000-05:00

This app is a great way to track how much time you, I mean your Kids, are in front of the TV, computer, or hand-held. I am a tech addict so I use it on myself, because truthfully if I am on the computer the babytoons are in front of the TV or on my lap making any work (play) difficult for me.

Features I LOVE:

Add a picture- my kids names both start with the same letter. I call them by the wrong name 75% of the time.
Option to earn time- For doing chores, good behavior, and in general Mama just being nice.
Tracking exactly what they were doing- really there is a difference between watching the Nickjr and Law and Order.
Trading time-you can let the kids purchase items or non TV activities by using TV time like money. Hmmm are new shoes worth 10 hours of TV?
Overall the options here even allow me to trade TV for sensory activities and keep track of how we are doing there.

How am I using it?
I have set everyone except the Mage to 3 hours. Mage is above any of my self regulation strategies.
Set a rule that there is no TV before school, yes even me. Treb is allowed to play his Leapster Explorer in the morning since that is sensory and fine motor. Tagg and I hang out while he plays.
We have 3 hours of screen time between 8 am and 8 pm. We will cut back but gain the ability to earn more time each week.

Basic info about the app
Screentime Lite (free) can track time for 1 person
Screentime ($1.99) unlimited tracking
Web - http://screentimeapp.com
Twitter - http://twitter.com/screentimeapp
Facebook = http://facebook.com/screentimeapp

there's an app for that!

2011-04-12T08:41:00.001-05:00

Seriously, I have a problem. I got an iPhone. It great; I LOVE IT. I also love apps. I love looking through apps and reading the comments. Imagining myself using the apps and life being trendy and fun. Then I think about it. A 99 cent app is not going to fix my life. Or my kids issues. I keep my money. I try out free apps and then decide which ones I would like to buy. I think 10 apps on my iPhone would be I ideal. I have about 100.I thought it would be a fun change to stop whining about my kids for a bit and share some of the apps I like. I was not sent these apps to try, I just found them and like them and think they are worth a look.

Pre-School meeting

2011-02-11T09:19:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I had a meeting with the Lock's teacher, the school principal and behaviorist. The meeting is because Lock's temperament is in a downward spiral. I have been so concerned with him I gave up my WOW play time at night.
Apparently, Lock's inability to transition from one activity to another is not only an interference at home, but it carries over to school.
Before the meeting I vowed to be aware of body language so I could be in tune with how they were taking my suggestions. I am glad I did. I noticed that the behaviorist moved from a seat across the table from me to a seat diagonal from me.
We went over what The behaviorist observed during his visits and I verified that he does those things at home. Then we talked about what could be going on with him. His first idea was some kind of language delay.
The he dropped the autism spectrum bomb.
I listened. I may have growled. Not because I have anything against autism. I just have fear. So I listened.
I asked the behaviorist if he had looked at Lock's history. No. Needed my permission. I decided that he must be missing information. So I provided some about his language development and the family history of hearing loss, and that Lock has a follow up reguarding hearing loss at the end of the month.
He was surprised. Intrigued!
I told them that I had been reading Dr. Ross Greene's book the explosive child.
The principle and behaviorist leaned back and folded thier arms. The behaviorist asked me if I saw the author's material on changing school discipline policy's. I told him right now I was only concerned with the Lock. Both men relaxed and leaned back in.
To finish up the meeting I agreed to allow Lock back on the bus when the Druid starts school. They agreed to wait until I talk to the ENT and get hearing tests back before they make more changes. I am not sure if this was a sucessful meeting or not.

Changes Part 1

2011-01-25T13:09:00.000-06:00

I have not posted in some time. There were lots of ideas, but a lack of time and mental energy (mana).
Things got really wild and out of control the last few weeks; So wild that i decided to stop playing WOW. for those of you who don't know me well, that is HUGE. WOW is about the only hobby I have.
Here's what happened:
Over winter break we let our routines slip. not huge for most families, but for special needs families that is the number one rule. I had not realized how grounded in routine the little Lock is. The Druid is not as grounded in them and actually thrived on this lax schedule. I did not really see what was happening until the day the Priest went back to work. the lock lost it. BIG TIME.
From the trip to take Priest to lunch, to snack time, until Priest got home (over an hour late i might add). I can take tantrums, but the constant stream of WHINING got to me. I lost it. BIG TIME.
Not my best mothering moment--or hour--day even. I screamed. For an hour. I said things I regret. the Lock went to school 2 days later and repeated those words using his teacher's names. Then each day got worse at home and at school. A week later, he bit the teachers aide.
By now I noticed that I am handling this all better than I would if I were raiding 4 hours the nights before. so i talked to the Guild and explained and felt them all turn away from me. I will get over that.
This leaves us (his teachers and providers and parents) trying to figure out how to help (not fix) the lock.

Test post

2011-01-19T21:04:00.001-06:00

Trying to find a program for iPhone. Still looking.

2010-08-03T15:33:00.000-05:00

Blurring the line.
About a week ago I had to pull myself away from WoW for a bit because I let too much of my business get out to players that don't KNOW me and because one of my closest friends kept saying that "Clara" from The Guild is like me. Maybe I over reacted, but I waited until I calmed down to say something. I was appalled that my husband did not stand up for our parenting skills and our kids. He said he was not paying attention. It's not like we were in a boss fight at the time.

"One week with me and I would fix your kids."
"You need to be more consistent."
"When you take them out you need to beat them before, during and after ."

Are you kidding me? This guy is a lunatic.

Ok so let's address all these issues in a bulleted list.
• The only things that "Clara" and I have in common is that we play and mmorpg and we have kids. I realize she is a caracature of gaming moms, but I find it an insult to be compare to her in any way. Since the Lock was born I have had some rules that are rarely broken.
1. KIDS' NEEDS COME FIRST.
2. No instances/pug runs during "work hours". This include guildies who text me.
3. Only activities like farming mats and organizing the guild bank are acceptable during "work hours".
4. If I am not ok with the kids watching me do it, then I do not do it while they are awake. This rule can be applied to many real life activities including but not limited to WoW and eating cupcakes.
• I belong to a guild that clearly puts real life and family first. Many a raid has been stopped due to crying babies and toddlers Because KIDS' NEEDS COME FIRST.
• Fix kids? Seriously. Anyone who thinks a child can be fixed should be fixed (spayed or neutered) themselves. Yeah lets go out and fix some kids. Is your child autistic? This guy is your answer. Your kid will probably come back with bruises, but hitting akid for any offense is worth it! (sarcasm)
• Consistent? Yup I would say we are consistent. So do the therapists that treat my kids for developmental delays. The definition of discipline is "to teach". And if a child has learning delays it's just going to take longer and in the process the parents will get frustrated.
• I rarely spank or otherwise hit my kids. I am not going to get into that now, because that is very touchy, but hitting a child as the main form of discipline in not acceptable.
From this I learned a few things. I need to be more careful of who I talk to about my family. Vent about your day to your wowbff in whisper and always check the online list. It is important to let people know what you find insulting before you hear it 20 or 30 times, so a friendship is not ruined. (Cuddling with the Druid now.)

Sensory mess, emotional mess

2010-07-12T14:57:00.000-05:00

Today the druid has just been an absolute sensory mess. Looking over the last week there were a number of things that contributed to it. His diet was shot on the Fourth of July and Priest wants me to stop letting him nap. Finally, yesterday he was out all day with the grandparents. So today I end out with a child that is running around in circles unable to focus on anything. We spent some time in the yard early this am, but he was not to happy to be taken back inside when I got bored of watching him run around. From there we had some fruit and milk (almond milk for him and coffee for me). Druid does not like meat but I was able to convince him to have a bit of bacon. Next up speech. He was talkative, but tried to escape every 5 minutes. After that a break, wait for big brother, then OT. By now he was over tired and horribly unregulated. She went through all the sensory things he has ever responded to, then tried a few new ones. Finally his hour was up and she just sighed. He was still keyed up and the only thing left to try was a nap.
Mean while my ability to cope went out the window. I am not as tired as normal, but I am hungry. (pause to cry a bit more) after 2 years of being told that I am overreacting and looking for drama with my kids I am just emotionally exhausted.
"They are just active little boys."
"I don't have any trouble with them when I watch them."
"You are just looking for things to be wrong with them."
I am horribly depressed. We have no diagnosis for the oldest. He is just "delayed" and headstrong. The youngest is delayed because of SPD, but can only function well when he is regulated. Between the two of them I am fighting and constantly trying to regulate them.
The only people I know that understand are online. My husband does not even see it. All he sees is that I am always trying to sleep and the house is a mess. I am a mess. Today it just finally burst. I have been sitting here crying for 1/2 an hour. I feel like a failure. Although I know you will all tell me I am not and I am doing fine, you all know exactly where I am.

Potty Quest Line

2010-04-30T10:24:00.000-05:00

I have spent hours on quest lines in game. I have ground and farmed rep for all the factions of Wrath of the Lich King in World of Warcraft. I have died numerous times by the hands of raid bosses. But I cannot get this potty training quest line done. We have tried to just be patient. We have tried rewards. We have tried threats. Now we are trying grabbing him and making him sit there because we KNOW he will have to pee-pee soon. all of these have such a high fail rate that we need to replace the carpet in the lock's sanctum and the family room with hard flooring. I have also come to the conclusion that carpet is one of the most disgusting household items ever. I try to think of this as a repeatable quest. We have a successful turn in every time he fills the potty and the floors and his clothes remain dry.

1/1 Filled Froggy Potty
1/1 Dry pants
1/1 Take Along Thomas Train

-----------------------------------------------

You will receive:

10 minutes of not hovering over Lock, and a chance to get
ACHIEVEMENT: Potty trained babytoon (10 points)

So where is my quest reward? Why am I losing rep with the lock? This does not make sense.

So we plug along at it. When weekends come l just want to wash my hands of it; let the Mage deal with it. I have fought with Lock for 5 days and have seen ABSOLUTELY NO IMPROVEMENT. I need an attitude adjustment I guess. I need my own quest rewards because I have to do this with the druid when I get done with the lock.

Water play

2010-04-26T09:26:00.001-05:00

Step 2 WaterWheel Activity Play Table

A few weeks ago we had 80 degree weather. Seriously. In Illinois. During early April.
So it was hot. Kids were going stir crazy, but I needed something to keep them in the yard.
Last year the kids got a sand and water table from loving GM. We tried sand in it last year, but between them tracking the sand into the house in their clothes and my aversion to sand on the bottom of my feet that just did not work. We tried just water.

SOLD.

After slathering on the required SPF 60 for my fair skinned angels of destruction. It dries up. It goes away. Mommy did not exist to them for sixty (60) minutes. If they eat it they won't die. Dries up. They actually come out a bit cleaner after! They were tired at 6 pm. Seriously.

I'LL TAKE 2!

for those looking for this table here is the new version of it.

Is my blog really ME?

2010-04-15T09:33:00.001-05:00

I woke up today thinking about my blog. wondering if anyone is still out here. My thought was why don't I write in it often? After a few minutes of lazing about while the hubby got dressed a new question popped up: "what should I write about?" some of the topics that I like to discuss are my perceptions of parenting and motherhood, my kids special needs, and my video game addiction. The first two actually depress me, and the third gets me excited.

If you want to get me started just start talking World of Warcraft with me. I will go on for hours about it.. it's just a BONUS if you play too. But do I want to Blog about my adventures in Azeroth? What does that say about me? Do I need to put up a front for the few people that read my blog that know me in real life? Am I still concerned about this all getting back to my family? Should I be?

Does it say something really bad if you are a mom that does not want to blog about your kids? Right now I just have trouble facing all my mothering issues. It's easier to look at what I see are my shortcomings and think, "if this were WoW I could just…" It's kind of like on The Guild when Codex's avatar has to tell her to stop thinking like she does in real life and think like she is in game. Seriously, I am a healer most of the time in-game. Who needs a better role model for mothering.

Anyway, I do spent many of my most enjoyable hours saving Azeroth for the clutches of evil, but I never let my kids needs go too long while I play. I really enjoy making up stories about what Druci is doing on the screen while the boys sit on my lap. I also have rules in place for playing during mothering hours. You have to have limits and clear rules in your parenting.

After thinking it over and writing about it here I think I will play round with wow ideas on here more. And maybe every now and then I can share a bit of what's going on with the baby toons. Thanks for helping me work through that! md

Allergy accusations

2009-10-26T10:09:00.001-05:00

ATM: kids are in the living room and I am in the lower lvl. I can here druid babbling to himself and lock is pretty quiet. I think he is playing with a puzzle or some cars, but at last check he was laying under a blanket on my favorite chair. He is coughing and lethargic.

Hubby finally admitted that the lock gets sick almost every time we go to his parents house. Now we have to decide how to handle it. The problem is more likely the smoke than the dog. The bigger problem is that I don't want to make MIL angry and insult her housekeeping skills. I mean what can she do if her husband won't stop smoking in the house? It's actually pretty heartbreaking that hubby will leave me and the kids at home and go there to bond with his dad and watch foot ball. It goes into my problem of not having much off time most weeks. That's another problem for another entry.

I have had to limit the visits to my parents house because of the dust and general lack of baby proofing. But for me it's harder to tell his family that. At this point I am going to have to put Lock's health first. I don't want him to have to get allergy injections like some kids. He is allergic to dust mites and it would seem cigarette smoke. (mental note to get lock and appointment with allergist**done). I guess I am the only person that takes this seriously. Ok, maybe not, my mom worries more about it than I do. Yet another problem for another entry.

So I need to come up with a way to make myself happy. Here is what I want to accomplish:

Lock needs to avoid things that make him sick (this is my responsibility)

Want kids to know their grandparents and spend time with them

For today I have given him his Allegra and a dose of Motrin. In an hour will check his temp and decide about school. He seems to be perking up and not very drippy but the warmth still persists. And he is ready to go.

toddler psychosis

2009-10-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

waking up late messes everyone up. to be honest i miss the days when waking up late just meant being late for work. usually i recovered very quickly by skipping a shower and driving 15 mph over the speed limit. gone are the good old days.
now waking up late means 2 grumpy short people will great me with over wet diapers and ravenous appetites. i generally use the kids as my alarm, but every now and then they play quietly for 20 or 30 minutes. but today i overslept by a whopping 55 minutes? are you kidding me? i over slept by almost an hour. granted we have all been sick for about a week, but i cannot be blamed for them not making enough noise to get me up.
so who can i give the blame stick to? hubby. that man for once got up on time to go to work. yes you heard me right. ON TIME. he was up at 6 15 am. i did not have to kick him or threaten him with the wrath of doom for him setting the clock at some ungodly hour. (ungodly being any time before 6 am.)
lets move on. i get up, and just to save a few minutes skip my shower bringing up memories of having a "real" job and was my face and pits. silence. i fight down first the urge to go back to bed, then the panic of SIDS. donning the game face and voice i knock on the warlock's door, "good morning, BABY." apparently i was not the parent of choice because instantly i hear "DADA!" and the warlock tantrum began. upon lifting the boy up i found he had over wet his pull up and was dripping. the next 15 minutes made my ovaries shrink. i contemplated jumping out of the window 2 times but realized i would only break my legs and have to lay in the yard until some one found me. i got the little man dressed and escaped to let him work it out on his own.
entering the druid's room, i found a happy toddler wearing 1/2 a diaper. (mental note: the kids need size 6 pullups) the warlock decided that a tantrum is pointless with out an audience to torture and came in to share his utter displeasure with the world. the druid was speechless and stood on the dresser with his mouth open. mom guilt set in and i picked the warlock up and tried to soothe him, quickly discovering that he had vomited and was about to do it again. PANIC. it took every bit of will power in me not to push him away. i just grabbed a blanket.
longest 4 seconds of the day...watching him vomit on my shoulder, chest and arm. i thanked all that was good and pure my hair was spared (have you ever tried to get vomit out of pencil sized curls with out washing it?)
the day got better, but i did spend 30 minutes showing the kids pictures of water towers on flickr. now the house is quiet...one is asleep the other at school...and i am thinking of taking a nap, but the fear of oversleeping again is keeping me up.

warlock school

2009-09-14T09:07:00.000-05:00

it is done. treb has started school. i survived the first week with out pulling him out and keeping him home. i did not have the normal mom sentiments about it; i am pretty happy to have him out of the house for a few hours. (did i mention the druid is sleeping during school?) i relized that what bothered me was that i was here happy and he was crying about being away from me. BIG TIME GUILT.

the second week--still crying a bit, but the bus seems to be causing most of the anxiety. i talked to the OT and we filled out a sensory profile and i think things came together well. his daily reports tell me he is "HAPPY".
warlock gets speech and occupational therapy at school. he can identify all his letters, most of his colors, and is learning numbers. we are working on those here at home and let school work on the things they think he is behind on. we have been trying to teach him to recognize emotions and be gentle with others. keeping him from running away when we go out is huge on my list right now too.
from here i think we just need to give warlock his time and see where he is in the spring.

the plague is still here

2009-04-29T16:21:00.000-05:00

the month from hell may continue into may. we have been sick since the end of march and now going into may we seem to still be struggling. treb has had a ton of ear infections in his short little life. we are adding another one to the tally board. i need to get an official count from the medical chart but it seems like at least ever 3 months he has one.
we went to the doctor to get a referral for an ENT (ear nose throat specialist) and came out with a Rx for antibiotics. when i stopped at the Pharmacy i had to explain that we had a refferal to see the ent before he would fill the rx since treb has been on antibiotics 3 times in the last month.
<<>>
20 minutes later...
we go on may 11. i hope there is no screaming, crying or the like.
for now i continue to declutter the house and try to keep the kitchen neat and not tidy at least keep the cold and flu viruses at bay.
this is getting to the point that i am concerned about bad parenting coming into play. i am in the process of clearingout clutter so that dust and germs can't hang out so much. i think fewer toys out in the play area will be easier to keep clean.
stay well

looking forward...to school

2009-04-18T11:24:00.001-05:00

some people wonder how i can even think of sending t1 to preschool. some people (mostly men with no clue) have ideas that if i am a stay at home mom, i have nothing to do but prepare t1 for kindergarten myself (cooking cleaning and taking care of t2 seems to not be part of my day). others think i am horrible for sending a baby who is not talking and not potty trained off with strangers while i am at home (cooking cleaning and taking care of t2).
moms have to do whats right for their family and themselves. right now, preschool is right for us. i am excited! first of all, the school is awesome! they really seem to want kids to catch up with their peers and supply occupational and speech therapy. second, if we don't continue to get him services he will stagnate or, worse, lose skills. we want him to develop normally, not waste the 9 months we had had him work so hard. third, t2 will be getting OT and DT and that is hard with 2 kids at home screaming and hanging off you. finally, if i can keep the schedule we have now, i will have an hour to myself (probably used for heavy cleaning) 2-3 times a week.
the school is called the Early Learning Center and thier male director is really into what he does (a proud papa). we have all of t1's transition things to do in july and he will have about 1-2 weeks of vacation before starting school on august 31.
i wish i could do all this at home and explore his little world with him, but i need help. moms should not feel that they have to do everything and be everything for thier kids. i want him to learn from all kinds of things. if public shools don't work for a mom then they should home school, but if if it works, use it. mamama thinks we should send t1 to a private preschool/daycare. i am sure that this center will be the best thing for him. at the same time that i hope t2 will not need as much help, if he does i am confidient that this choice will be available for us again and he will also benifit from it.

when a good wipe goes...dry

2009-04-15T08:57:00.000-05:00

it's was GO time. i had a 2y/o and a 1y/o with poopie-pants. i had a 2t pullup and a size 6 cruiser in one hand and all i needed was a pack of wipes. i spotted the wipes and grabbed the first baby that tried to maneuver past me. the kiddo was in position and i had the 15 second window to get the diaper off, wipe his butt clean and get a fresh diaper installed correctly.
it was all going so well, until i pulled a wipe from the delicate reclosable dispenser. its dry. so i pull another one. WTH??!!?? its dry too. at this point i gently rest my knee on the current victim so i can take a look at the "brick" of wipes.
upon inspection i see that some one had just ripped the back of the wipes open and left them to dry out. are you kidding me? who would have committed such an atrocity in this economy? (no really, between diapers and wipes we are being robbed, ROBBED!) at this point i must allow the baby to go for a few minutes and rewet the wipes before trying again. but the mystery is still nagging at me like i nag hubby on trash day. the only person who could have done it...mamama.
once again, mamama strikes...

really i love my mother, but after having kids there are a few things that really peeve me off. one is incorrectly opend packages. these usually look harmless to the personcommitting the crime, but later someone (usually me) IS INCONVIENCED. now you may ask how dry baby wipes can ruin a week? well, occasionally said wipes are tossed into the diaper bag for an outing. yeah, you got it, its cold, no one is happy, and now, there is a baby with his pants around his ankles waving a poopy bumm in the back of my suv--and i have to use juice or milk to rewet the wipes! i am resourceful. whats a sticky bumm in the grand scheme of things, right? yeah, you got it--diaper rash. so you see how a bit of impatience to correctly open a pack of wipes can ruin a week? right now there are currently about 10 dried out packages of wipes floating around the house. there are 2 correctly closed and moist packages. pray you end up in the rooms with the 2 wet packs!

Just getting started...

2009-04-03T09:23:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking a lot about where i want to go with this blog. finally i decided to just get it started. i want people to read this and know about the struggles some people face as new parents. how complicated the emotions we have are. i want everyone to know that i am deeply in love with my husband and i am fiercely and passionately devoted to my babies. i also love my parents and in-laws. with that said, i have become quite impatient since having kids. but no matter what i say about others and how mean i am, i am 500 times harder on myself.
it is truly depressing to be disappointed with yourself on a daily basis. from cleaning to activities with the kids, i never seem to meet my own goals. and truly i don't think the bar is too high. there is a lot going into my ineptitude and complete lack of motivation. i discuss that with my psychologist every 2 weeks.
but for now, know that i appreciate being about to share this adventure with you and i how you don't judge me to harshly.